Tears leaked from my eyes in the dream onto my pillow in real life. A wet right cheek woke me up an hour and two minutes before my 9am alarm. I remained there, eyes closed, for a few more minutes, sending out thoughts and love to my precious Helena. My eyes opened to see the varied treetops out my window, stiller than they'd been all month. Turning on my back, my tears became symmetrical, streaking down both cheeks. I reached outward, literally and figuratively, and told her I loved her.. that I missed her. The dreamcatcher directly above me began moving slightly, as if a faint wind was present, but all my windows were closed. I smiled, "You're here.."



Flashback to 2008 when Sabina and I were sent to detox at The Farm at San Benito and my Alice Dellal partial-shave was now partially bald due to a drunken confidence which convinced me I could trim my own hair. Raw vegan meals were sent to our garden villa, but we skipped them, snorting blue and smoking green instead, hiding out in lucky banyos scattered across the compound as if middle schoolers experimenting with B&H Special Filters. There were swans and peacocks, secret libraries tucked amidst dense jungle, missed yoga classes which turned into two-person interpretive dance, and mini waterfalls like hidden treasures asking us to find them at three in the morning, high as fuck.

Edie, Kate, and collarbones were unhealthy obsessions. We were always innately hippie, but nowadays more healthily so. Back then, instead of vegetables, our floral prints and tiedye headbands were paired with Valium. Diazepam fast became a fucking nightmare. Five years of my life were spent heavily dependent on it, self-prescribed to remedy my crippling social anxiety, and other addictions snowballed along the way. It got to the point where my tolerance was up to 300mg a day, no biggie, except the fact that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Like some universal alarm, a voice inside told me something was very wrong; I had lost myself damn near completely. One night I found myself ambitiously downing wine and pills, tumbling downwards with such momentum I broke the fuck down and miraculously arrived at some sort of breakthrough. I was faced with the most challenging opportunity of my life: to let go of all my destructive attachments and find my SELF again.

It's been a motherfucker of a ride, but look at me now. Not in infinity years did I think I ever could or would be this happy, I always thought depression was just stuck in my genetic make up like brown eyes or black hair and I could do nothing about it but accept it and continue suffering. Evidently untrue. I, very slowly but eventually, learned to let go of destructive vices and seek out more constructive habits and hobbies like, ironically, coming full circle into the world of raw veganism and yoga. I learned to always speak about my feelings because no matter how shitty and alone I felt, I was never actually alone. I never ever thought I could or would be sober, healthy, and still manage to be somewhat interesting. Literally the two greatest fears I'd always express in rehab were 1. I will become sober, fat, and boring. 2. I will lose all of my friends and my "party girl" persona. Oh man.. bless my superficial ex-soul. Of course, in the end, all those people I thought were friends cut ties with me almost immediately once my sobriety news hit the grapevine, which was both a bitch slap from reality and a most helpful occurrence. A handful of true ride-or-die kindred souls from my high days still stand by me till today, in all my sober awkwardness, and I cherish them more than they will ever know.

I am thankful for the clarity I found and am constantly finding, and for the realization of just how imperative it is to confront and accept rather than escape. I am learning to delve past the surface a bit more and reconnect with the beautiful spirit we've all had within us since before birth. I'm learning more and more about the divine balance of the universe -- how the deepest shadows bring the brightest rays. I'm learning to read my body more consciously, listen to my intuition more closely and, most importantly, to flow rather than fight.




I'm like water
but I don't like water.



leaf wings help a twig fly
windswept trees sing lullabyes
i'm sleeping, slipping, weeping rain
an eyeful but no drain
drowning in clouds, soft
my throat in a choke, cough
spit, strain, reach, sustain
i've had enough
speak to me in silence
in a muted science
with the quietest signs
cos my mouth is blind
my mouth is blind
but you can read my heart
an aroma it tastes and tears apart
sitting so still
my strands look aflutter
can't move, just tremble, stutter
in a flock i'm invisible
mythical, fictional, fixable
crank, screw, alter, undo
missing and missable
i've had enough
speak to me in silence
in a muted science
with the quietest signs
cos my mouth is blind


It scares me how easily I can detach. How comfortable I am alone. How much I prefer silence. How anxious and angry people make me. How anxious and angry I make myself. How automatically my mind switches to self-destruction at the slightest upset. How I might just choose to exclude myself from society one day and never talk to or see anyone ever again.



i think what it would mean to me
if you were never ever mean to me
if i never made a mess of me
did i really have to dive that deep
just to surface free?

i hit rock bottom and forgot my being
i didn't have to kill myself to kill my spirit
you speared my heart but i wish that you didn't
was wit' you everyday, still said i was creepin'

daily conflicts had both us screamin'
concrete walls had my knuckles bleedin'
you never even stopped even if i was weepin'
i never understood why we did what we did but

i know your mama left you on the side of the street and
said your grandma'd pick you up but she never appeared and
had a daughter wit' a hoodrat that you let me meet but

i just got sober yet you grew your weed here
i was fresh outta rehab you were fresh drinkin' beers and
you coulda' made me stronger but you made me weaker

the scars from our wars i can't even measure
my body and my spirit were my only treasures
you were merely a replacement for past drugs of leisure
shoulda' known i didn't need drugs like escher
shoulda' always known i deserved much better

she shoulda' known better
but i knew i had to let her
experience the worst to learn her lesson
learn a strong spirit was her only weapon
the only thing to keep her from bein' stepped on
all she needed to do was shine her light on
every little shadow that would cloud her sight