[for x]
this may sound ridiculous but
had to block you
don't wanna be locked in
to your life so closely
so here i am
letting go

i had to leave you
because i love you
you were you no longer
i was i no longer
and we were us, but less stronger

bottling up
is bad for my health
but venting to strangers
is like venting to myself
these asanas never had so much to cleanse
sauna-like sweat with a sadness so dense

[for h]
i cried with a smile on my face for you
i still do
heavy tears that soak me
thick memories that choke me
and i wonder
can you hear me?
are you watching?

i write for you
i sing for you
i dance for you
i smile for you
i cry for you
i send peace to you
i feel you
and i love you.

but i can't breathe
cos when i breathe i just weep
and i can't
i can't
cos when i breathe i just weep
and i can't

so i hold my breath
and i dive
so deep (and i can't even swim)
but i won't exhale till i'm there
are we there yet?
this darkness is blinding
but i'd rather be blinded by the light

losing two has meant losing one
but ima find her
cos i'm searching
deep within
i've been stretched thin
but i'm searching

losing two has meant losing one
but ima find her



inner calm
outer womb
a mental ease
enveloped in peace
folded in half
elemental crease
at the hips
kiss the earth
speak to trees
splinter lips
rinse with sea
whisper winds
windy breeze
signal flame
swaying grace
then start again

sweat thick
ivied strands
rivals vague
land and see
sea in hand
eye's oceans
near my lips
recycled potions
heal thyself
yes you can
ever gentle
memories of
gravel crunch
'neath his shoes
family of four
a lonely lunch
essential oil
separate, boil
elements alive
oneness: five


Carabaos in full body mud masks left on for too long, cracked in Voronoi manner. Docile, peaceful, unassuming. Wind and water papered these rocks, leaving coconut trees broken in half like pencils by angry little boys with rosy cheeks. Shard tip trunks pierced an opaque fog. A white marshmallow puff forced its way out of a crowded, brooding greyness, giving us hope for blue. Putting our faith in it like a miniature god. Heaven-reaching mountains absorbed the rain, trading it for a dense, lush green we would sleep on as giants. Valleys drowned a little, then flourished. Nonchalant children walked miles downhill toward humble bamboo shacks, making windshield-wiped cars seem like wimps; the rain not affecting, their vision clearer than when skies are blue. Fatherly trees, flowering sibling shrubs, and infant crops greeted them as they passed and they, with hands out as if saying hello to fans, acknowledged each personally, genuinely; smiles mutual, eternal.

It hadn't rained in almost a week, so the water was clean and running. We could finally brush our malunggay-leaved teeth and bathe our sand speckled bodies. Outside our window, green cannonball coconuts awaited rescue, and sunbeams invited the rice to grow again.


i feel you when i see you
sea like surface of earth
pi like code of my birth
pisces like faces of heart
slices and waves encrypt my art

ocean feeds flower
clockwise and counter
spheres, north and southern
ain't no such thing as other
all just reflections in water
flecks of dew matter
when i do what i do
unite in the hyper-physical
lessons aesthetically visual
it's visceral
as a fish i am
at the end of the circle's line
a sundry of every sign
of the sun, a star
a tune of circular sitar
cries for creativity
bellows for beauty
lachrymae for love
sensitivity, longevity, river, creature
chaopraya, physalia
him and her pray in the physical
for metamorphosis from a chrysalis
a metaphysical sister in crystal form
psychic vibes from the ancient past
(now is ancient)
synchronicity is the gift
astral clairvoyance of the fifth
element, dimension, ascension
compassion, a compass for the woman
as a composite fish/human

i feel you when i see you
sea like surface of earth
pi like code of my birth
pisces like faces of heart
slices and waves encrypt my art

i feel you when i see you
i feel me when i see you
i free me when i see me


this is infinite time that we got
i want you to evolve/love
i need you to evolve/love

this is infinite time that we got
i want you to evolve/love
i need you to evolve/love

if you press the chest of a lioness
you will feel her heart
& it's hard when you realize
you will never know who she is
cos she is always evolving/loving
a sunly revolution & a moonly evolution
makes for easy conflict & hard solution
constant letting go's a necessity
or the past gets the best of me
but if there's only present
i wanna be the best me
me is you & every being that be
so be true to your luna, your lioness
she can create mental wars or put your mind at rest
she shines her light in the shadow of the night
she gives birth to life, has the deepest insight
her inner flight is mystical
her timing, lunar cyclical
her actions ain't biblical but intuitional
she is mother nature/tania australis, ursa major
she balances the universe
she is one with the source
she cradles you
& she is you

this is the lunar evolution
harmony within & without

this is the lunar evolution
harmony within & without

(recorded october/november 2013)



Tears leaked from my eyes in the dream onto my pillow in real life. A wet right cheek woke me up an hour and two minutes before my 9am alarm. I remained there, eyes closed, for a few more minutes, sending out thoughts and love to my precious Helena. My eyes opened to see the varied treetops out my window, stiller than they'd been all month. Turning on my back, my tears became symmetrical, streaking down both cheeks. I reached outward, literally and figuratively, and told her I loved her.. that I missed her. The dreamcatcher directly above me began moving slightly, as if a faint wind was present, but all my windows were closed. I smiled, "You're here.."



Flashback to 2008 when Sabina and I were sent to detox at The Farm at San Benito and my Alice Dellal partial-shave was now partially bald due to a drunken confidence which convinced me I could trim my own hair. Raw vegan meals were sent to our garden villa, but we skipped them, snorting blue and smoking green instead, hiding out in lucky banyos scattered across the compound as if middle schoolers experimenting with B&H Special Filters. There were swans and peacocks, secret libraries tucked amidst dense jungle, missed yoga classes which turned into two-person interpretive dance, and mini waterfalls like hidden treasures asking us to find them at three in the morning, high as fuck.

Edie, Kate, and collarbones were unhealthy obsessions. We were always innately hippie, but nowadays more healthily so. Back then, instead of vegetables, our floral prints and tiedye headbands were paired with Valium. Diazepam fast became a fucking nightmare. Five years of my life were spent heavily dependent on it, self-prescribed to remedy my crippling social anxiety, and other addictions snowballed along the way. It got to the point where my tolerance was up to 300mg a day, no biggie, except the fact that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Like some universal alarm, a voice inside told me something was very wrong; I had lost myself damn near completely. One night I found myself ambitiously downing wine and pills, tumbling downwards with such momentum I broke the fuck down and miraculously arrived at some sort of breakthrough. I was faced with the most challenging opportunity of my life: to let go of all my destructive attachments and find my SELF again.

It's been a motherfucker of a ride, but look at me now. Not in infinity years did I think I ever could or would be this happy, I always thought depression was just stuck in my genetic make up like brown eyes or black hair and I could do nothing about it but accept it and continue suffering. Evidently untrue. I, very slowly but eventually, learned to let go of destructive vices and seek out more constructive habits and hobbies like, ironically, coming full circle into the world of raw veganism and yoga. I learned to always speak about my feelings because no matter how shitty and alone I felt, I was never actually alone. I never ever thought I could or would be sober, healthy, and still manage to be somewhat interesting. Literally the two greatest fears I'd always express in rehab were 1. I will become sober, fat, and boring. 2. I will lose all of my friends and my "party girl" persona. Oh man.. bless my superficial ex-soul. Of course, in the end, all those people I thought were friends cut ties with me almost immediately once my sobriety news hit the grapevine, which was both a bitch slap from reality and a most helpful occurrence. A handful of true ride-or-die kindred souls from my high days still stand by me till today, in all my sober awkwardness, and I cherish them more than they will ever know.

I am thankful for the clarity I found and am constantly finding, and for the realization of just how imperative it is to confront and accept rather than escape. I am learning to delve past the surface a bit more and reconnect with the beautiful spirit we've all had within us since before birth. I'm learning more and more about the divine balance of the universe -- how the deepest shadows bring the brightest rays. I'm learning to read my body more consciously, listen to my intuition more closely and, most importantly, to flow rather than fight.