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Like ketamine, I'm a dissociative. I bore of the norm easily, I never feel as if I quite fit in, I dissociate from society. Often I dream of escaping somewhere in complete solitude, where I don't have to talk to anyone, just leaf rustles and wind gusts, bird songs and rain drops. Staring contests with clouds with eyes non-existent so as not to make me feel uneasy.

Often I feel like I need to be cut off -- to get up and leave to a place unknown, a place completely foreign to me, where no one, no place is familiar. Comfort removed from beneath me, so I can make a new bed, all over again. But better this time.

I say LA is home because it is most comfortable. Everything is at my fingertips. I don't even have to leave the house to buy toilet paper. A replacement eye cream is delivered to my doorstep in less than a day. There is a flavor, a culture, a person, a party, a show, a gallery, a shop to fulfill any desire, whenever I wish. Everything is abundant, plentiful, overwhelming, excessive.

But maybe it's time I let go.. alienate myself from comfort.

To challenge myself, to learn something new.

I'm sick of this general feeling of stagnancy,

this feeling I'm disappointing myself,

and the inevitable depression attached.

I have all these talents, all these dreams..

yet I cannot find it in myself to see anything through.

What is it that I really need?
How can I get my perseverance back?
I want to finish something.. anything.
Cos so far I have nothing.