Negativity had become a mythical creature to me, one I believed I was now strong enough to beat on a daily basis. But lately there has been a xylophone ever so lightly tapping in the periphery of my mind, not allowing me to sleep. That single note, repeating and recurring till it bore an endless hole of irrational fears.
Him and I, we are the closest two beings could ever be but, in a dimension of space and time, we are as far as the north and south poles. Time spent is precious and, when we are apart, all we have are distances made shorter by electromagnetic waves, old photographs or recordings, songs we listened to together, drawings I made while he played guitar beside me. He would draw pictures for me with his guitar, and I would always feel the urge to say I love you when he finished because it felt like that's what he was strumming to me.
Right now, he is not here, Hebb and Holloway are. And, instead of closing this endless hole, they are adding to its depth, but I sing along anyway and find a miniature version of myself running along beside them, with a smile I've never seen before and tears I excuse as sweat. I hate being a facade, but that's what I've been lately, and I feel guilty, apologetic, weak. For people that think I am that rock in their life, know that rocks are breakable too, they crack and crumble, but all those millions of little pieces make up a whole that still exists.. somewhere out there.
I once believed that happiness was something that could be a permanent fixture in one's emotional being. This is untrue -- balance is the permanent fixture. And this temporary bout of intense fear is here to balance the love overflow.
Dear balance, I appreciate you, but damn do you hurt.
Photographs by me & Ixchel Lara ~ Composition by me
Hurt So Bad
Nancy Holloway
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