///FROZEN///

frozen & frostbitten

torrential oceans of an evening sky

blinded bus windows so blackened

fistful thoughts, drenched hair

wishful fights, hands bare

shivering, clasping myself & i

with eyes so bright, i

never hated & loved so tightly

nightly i warm up

just to freeze

day after day after day

...

Portuguese Man of War

frozen2ocean

frozen2ocean

Alexander Spit

///CABARET///

The only strippers I care to hear about, if any, are the philosophical ones.

The ones not yet satisfied, the ones with greater ambitions yet.

But perhaps those only exist in beautifully aged French film.

Screenshots from A Woman Is a Woman

This is to wishing your mind be open to more than just what you know.

///WALLS///

I love these walls..

these walls to hit,

these walls put up to fuck shit up.

Make a mess, clean it up,
just to make another fucking mess.

There's no more alcohol, no more drugs, so what outlet have I left to help the rage subside.. I've glass to smash, walls to bash, silent screams to travel nonewhere. In the shadows with fear, remorse, perturbed thoughts, my insanity, I'll soak up all the self-insults I can take. I'll crash & I'll bleed all in vain. I'll tumble & fall till I reach that state of nothingness; feeling nothing, being nothing, just nothing..

& there'll be that day

when I never come back.

///MEGARO///

Vague flashbacks of Vinny.
I fell.

The atmospheric conditions were ideal
despite the global separation,
but distance never mattered if the right words were scattered.
We'd write words to right our wounds.

instant love. quickly hate.

& he stares at the stars he reflects on the moon/
The time, the talks they share walking around Calhoon/
She watches the look on his face as he sleeps/
She recalls every inch to how it got this deep/
...
Now she was smart/
She grew up with this complex/
That the people that surrounded her seemed to expect the world/
& he was tall, over six, no attempt to predict the fall/
Thought he'd seen it all/
Until his all became that girl/
She said she loves the drugs/
But when she comes down/
She speaks about finishing/
She's convinced it's the last visit/
...
He thinks she sleeps too much/
She thinks he spends too much/
He thinks her friends are jokes/
She thinks he's out of touch/
He thinks she drinks too much/
She thinks he thinks too much/

& I only fell harder as the years went on..

///RUNAWAY///

& when the clothes are strewn/

don't be afraid of the room/
touch the fullness of her breast/

feel the love of her caress/
she will be your living end

Screenshots from The Runaways

///JOINT///

"You take the joint

& you pass it to the person sitting next to you.

Do not, repeat, do not hold onto the joint.

This is called 'bogarting the joint'

& it is very rude."

Taking Off

///ALIEN///

///AFTER///

"Look you could do whatever you want,

I just don't want you falling in love with me that's all.

I don't have patience for that type of bullshit,

man or woman."

After Sex

///LILIES///

Perhaps it is strange that I really rather enjoyed this film, I dunno. My old online profiles would often list under Film Interests: those that are fucked up &/or subtitled. This is still true. I adore a film that can leave me in tears due to being uncannily relevant to my own odd miseries, or one that leaves me more depressed than I was to begin with; films with unhappy endings. As for subtitles, there is a natural novel charm that comes with anything foreign & requires more attention to be paid than normal. I can't space out & stare blankly at the screen if I've subtitles that need reading in order to follow the story. Water Lilies is endearing in its simplicity & French, alluring in its minimal dialogue & moving expression of character. Not to mention the protagonist reminding me of Freja, I suppose in semblance & sexuality alike.

Screenshots from Water Lilies

///EXCERPTS///

"... i just know he has this longing for freedom he tries to hide; he has a kind wife, semi-alright kids, hard work, plenty of money, but there still seems to be something missing. i think it may be the ennui of the working world, which it seems most everyone that has worked for years & years experiences.. it seems logically inevitable though. but not everyone has the freedom to just change up their profession & lifestyle every year to satisfy cravings for substantial change. unfortunately most professions necessitate long-term dedication & i think, in turn, entrapment of the employee. although change may be a craving, it can also be something to be feared. also the reason many people may cheat on their spouse, but never find the guts within themselves to actually leave them altogether; entrapment. change is the polar opposite of comfort for most i think, but me, i quite enjoy change. i used to feel the need to travel every single month, i would fall in love with a new person every other week, i would move apartments at least every year, i would switch up my second drug of choice quarterly, i would go from favoriting bellinis to favoriting beer to favoriting champagne to favoriting whiskey all in the span of a single night.. et cetera et cetera. but perhaps my penchant for change is really just a sign of A.D.D. which is really just a sign of the times, what with high speed internet & information & instant gratification, A.D.D. is something everyone can legitimately claim to have now i reckon.

ohgod, excuse me, i'm rambling on with nonsensical pseudo-psychological, -philosophical babble. so yes, i am young yet, i am me, i live my life, i do what i want.. this is true. but i don't feel truly fulfilled just yet. i must tell you. all these things i do aren't that in-depth, in hindsight, they too are mere appearance. after all, isn't all online activity some sort of appearance. i read this quote recently, it went something like this: there's real life, double life, & online life. which i believe to be really really true. though the things i write about on my blog or wherever are true to life, & the photos are truly me, they are all specifically chosen from a vast pool of things to be presented to the public. so what i'm saying is perhaps if those things were seen in conjunction with the rest of the stuff i chose not to publicize, maybe they would be viewed differently. i guess online publicity is what the presenter themself views to be ideal. obviously people don't normally post up the ugliest most candid shots of themselves on the internet, they post up the shots in which they think themselves to look most appealing. ..."

frozen2ocean

Strangers

Portishead

///DREAMS///

Two of my most enamored local artists created a very special collaboration on my living room wall.

Dreams do come true *

I knew of them separately over the past few years, heard of them from one another, but this is the very first time I was consciously in both of their presences at the same time. I fell unabashedly in love at first sight with their individual work, & the persons behind the brushes, blades, & cans left equally spectacular impressions. This wall piece was some sort of labor of love; their two painting styles meshed with lines, curves, drips, strokes, flicks, stencils, & sprays. Being neither a chore to do nor to watch, it was an evening of perfect rendezvous;

two, two, two, & three.

Made with love:
Ixchel Lara & Augustine Kofie

Everyday is a Holiday With You

Esthero